Repeat is a nice function while listening to music, yep.
because sometimes you hit this really rather good song and listening to it just once is simply not enough
hence the repeat function, perfect - really.

 

so today (and yesterday) i've been repeat-ing Norah Jones, "Don't Know Why"
if you haven't heard it before,

shame!
agony!
go and (il)legally download it before i replay it so much that you'll hear it from miles away because i will keep replaying until i am about 987 years old and my hearing will have gone really-rather-bad and so i'll be blasting it and you'll be hearing it! :D

 

okay
admittedly that is not the point of this entry.

considering the fact that i just typed up an uber long entry yesterday

i shouldn't really be here again :(
it's against my morals!

over-updating,
gosh
okay but, this will be the last one (today) which accounts for the entire today which accounts for the entirety of July 6th but maybe not July 7th - we'll have to see about that :)

 

so,
so.
the point of this entry ... hm. right.

 

i watched an episode of Naturally, Sadie aujourd'hui, gosh i love that guy on the show, Ben Harrison? teehee, anyway!

today Sadie had to choose

between a blue

and a pink

shirt.

and so basically, each shirt has a different outcome - blue = Ben officially asks her out and they become official boyfriend/girlfriend
and pink? well pink was bad. pink = Ben doesn't because evil Arden is evil and everything goes boomcrashboom multiple times :(

so throughout the entire show, we never really know which shirt Sadie picked b/c it just shows blue/pink shirt back and forth
and at the end,
it's back to the morning part where she's choosing with best buddie Margaret.

 

which one does she choose?

 

but that doesn't quite matter
i'll just catch the next episode at 12 30 am hoping that they play the latenight ones in sequence,

no, what matters is:

fate.

 

goodness. fate.

makes you question everything that happens doesn't it?

the episode i mean.

i mean,

what IF you chose the pink shirt?
what IF ____________________?

there are so many 'what IF's

so many...!

 

it's overwhelming.
it's absurd, even.

 

but, as pathetic and sad as it sounds - what happens or will happen, happens and will happen.

 

 

and i wish that the explanation wasn't so damn annoying and maybe even true,
but maybe that is what it is.

it happens.
there's a reason.

you might not always know it.

but you will.

eventually.

 

but for now, i'm hitting that repeat function again
and eventually i'll move on to another song.

i follow my heart.

always.

never been one to make decisions with my head.

never will be.

 

and on top of that,

 

i'm stubborn.

truly, madly, deeply.

never been one to bend easily.
never will be.

 

and with a combination like that,

 

i'm foolish.

i will know the right thing to do
but i'm so head over heels
that i won't do it.

 

i will know how wrong i am
but the fact that i want to be with you
somehow outweighs my self-judgement.

 

and i will feel the hurt the hardest
because i had that choice
i had all that time to make the decisions i made
but i made the wrong one
i took the wrong route.

 

and it is with that
that i am here writing this.

because i love you, you idiot.

but i know that there really isn't a point
but i still do, so i guess i'm more of an idiot but i won't be admitting that anytime soon.
so i guess i'm stuck.
in between what is right and what i want.

 

and i'm numb,

from all that i feel
and have felt.

 

this can go on for days,
in fact it has.

 

and with each outcome, if there was one at the end of the day, i will weakly take on a goal.
only to weakly-with-a-bit-more-willpower drop it within the next 48 hours. (approx)

 

and with each take-and-drop
you'd think i'd learn
you'd think i'd bruise
and then learn
you'd think i'd fall so hard
that i'd learn and hate you at the same time.

 

but i can only prove you wrong.

 

and i can honestly say
i am ashamed
and embarrassed
for this.
it disgusts me,
and for that i hate you.

 

because all this?
what is this? it's utterly ridiculous and i hate seeing myself like this but -

no i don't blame you.
and i don't want you to feel bad.
actually, i don't want you to feel anything.

i don't quite know how i want you to feel
(but no matter what, it'll be something positive)
but i just don't want you to feel bad.

 

god i can't believe how taken i am by this,
i feel so shatter-y
not broken, no, that's not it.
i feel small,
though the sun is shining,
which is lovely, really, it is. but -
i wish for some London rain.
bottom line ...
i feel weak.

 

there's nothing in here to push me along.
hence i'm numb/stuck.

 

 

and in the lovely words of Norah Jones,
"my heart is drenched in wine.
but you'll be on my mind."