my aunt used to tell me
how when you hold back words that you want to say,
when you hold back emotions,
they get stuffed into the heart.

 

and the heart is like a little box,

you stuff and stuff and stuff things inside,
until you can't stuff anymore.

 

and when you reach that limit,
some people go a bit crazy,
they will scream and yell - sometimes in public,
they will sob and cry - sometimes in public,
because that little box is tired of being stuffed.

 

meanwhile,
i thought about what i'd do if my little box was stuffed to the max like that,
i wouldn't scream and yell,
especially not in public,
so i think i would cry. not sob. just cry.
and of course not in public,
just to myself.

then my aunt told me,
when people finish their moment,
finish letting out all that stuff,
finish cleaning out their little boxes,
they get this new feeling:

hmmm. 

i hate how i have to bite my lip and take in all the comments that you've taken zero consideration to make,
i hate how i have to put up with being so disrespected just because somebody else's presence is more important to you,

i'm so stupid.

i'm always second-best,

i should get used to it huh?
that's what i'll always be when somebody else is around.

 

i wish ...

no i don't wish.

i'm tired of wishing, hoping that someday you or somebody else would change,
hoping that maybe one day, i wouldn't be thrown behind without ... without a second thought.

without consideration.

without thinking maybe that, i just might care.

or maybe i make it look like i don't care,

or maybe you just want to believe i don't care for your own sake.

 

okay,
i've got to find a way to ease all this,
i've got to find a way

to make myself feel better.